Back to Work (but not at 3am!)

3 1/2 months after going on what was supposed to be two weeks leave to have that bi-lateral lumpectomy – I returned to work on a part-time basis.

For reasons I am still yet to fully understand – this has been incredibly difficult.

I guess when you think about it though, a few weeks on holiday and most people feel a little strange getting back into the swing of things. After such a long absence, the trauma my body has been through in this time and the decisions I’ve been faced with have undoubtedly changed who I am. Kate – the information hungry perfectionist both on and off the air, had taken a back seat.

Even getting ready for that first day (okay – three hour stint) in the station had my emotions scrambled. My sleeping patterns are still quite disturbed – so a less than restful night before didn’t help. I chose some clothes (baggy top and dress pants) before showering. By the time I’d dried myself I was ready to hop back into bed. After fighting that urge – I got dressed, only to break down into tears when I looked in the mirror. For a moment instead of being pleased with how far I’d come – all I could see through the clothes was a disfigured body. I think subconsciously I feared everyone else would too.

Sitting at my desk I felt like a foreigner. The constant activity, noise, flow of information etc. was daunting to say the least.

In spite of the fact that I’ve been very open about my diagnosis and treatment, there were still a number of people in the station who weren’t aware of why I’d been away for so long. An after-the-fact explanation was awkward for both sides. Several co-workers showed a genuine concern by delicately asking how I was, others were clearly unsure of what to say and a few obviously found it easier to ignore me – as if pretending I wasn’t standing right in front of them might somehow make me invisible.

I’m sure most people in a similar situation to me have found their return to work taxing both physically and emotionally.

Towards the end of the first ‘shift’ I was tiring. I found even walking from the Newsroom up to the boardroom for a meeting required so much more effort than it used to.

For now, I’ll be doing this a couple of times per week – with a decent break in between.