…and again.

Yep, next week will be round five.
Explaining this could be rather detailed – but in short, these implants are coming out and new ones are going in. In fact, the consent form says ‘remove and replace implants’.
I’ve been in two minds about this for a while now. As you may recall my ‘adjustment’ to this new body hasn’t been as smooth as I would like. Not long after the reconstruction Dr D cottoned on to this and said we could go back in and try and refine things. I very quickly snapped no, that I’d had enough surgery and I just needed to let my head catch up with what the body has been through. I’m almost ashamed to admit that unfortunately (not for a lack of trying), that hasn’t happened over the past few months.

A recent appointment brought the issues to the surface. Try as I might to just suck it up and well, not love – but just feel good about things, I couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong – I’m incredibly grateful to be here and on most days view my scars almost as kind of battle wounds, that through them – I’ve been given the best chance at a long and healthy future. It’s actually not the scars. The position, shape, ripples, distortion and an unsightly divet of my new ‘breast mounds’ are taking some getting used to. (This all sounds so much worse than it is!) Most of the time I’m okay, but occasionally it all is too much. The disbelief I feel is enormous.

I’d been keeping my mouth shut, so as not to offend Dr D. This was his work – he’s worked so hard to re-build me and here I was not handling the end result. How dare I? What an ungrateful sod.

He’s most perceptive and as I removed my gown he started with ‘we can do this, this and this….’ I was so relieved, I got a bit emotional and nearly cried (after all of this – it’s the first time I’d come close and I didn’t want him or Andrea to see me cry!). In a very business-like manner we talked about the ‘tweaking’ as he called it.

On leaving, Dr D reinforced that it’s okay, they often do revisions of reconstruction and that if I don’t tell him – he doesn’t know.

So – he knows. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted and am now ready to focus on fine-tuning.