Encore Performances

So..

I’m feeling not-so-sick, but am still pretty tired. At times I’d love to jump in for a long, slow swim (my body would thank me for it – I know…), at others getting through the day-to-day washing, dinner + a bit of light exercise like a walk/bike ride (not on the road!) is enough.

Some nights I sleep like a log, others – I absolutely fit the label ‘insomniac’.

As I prepare to return to work later this week there’s a lot going on in this busy little mind. In no specific order – here are some of the things which occupy my thoughts;

• What can/should I be doing to stop it coming back?
• What sort of monitoring regime should I submit to?
• How the hell do I get used to this?
• I got all sentimental yesterday when buying, of all things – a beautiful aromatherapy candle. It was called ‘Little Black Dress’. I fell in love with the fragrance and hoped that one day I would once again pull on a ‘LBD’ and feel good.
• Should we stay in this house (which is beautiful, but full of some rather painful memories. And – the stairs!)
• What about heading back up the Mountain? It’s so special…quiet, peaceful and I’m sure the environment is healing..But, could I handle the driving (even if only a few days a week)?
• I love ‘doing’ new places, is a reno close to home a new challenge I’d enjoy?
• Study..Ohhh study…I’ve been investigating taking up everything from Health Sciences to MBBS. Sure I’ve got the desire – genuinely, but have I got the stamina and intellect?
• My career. All that hard work, which brought both immense satisfaction and damaging stress. Gone. I walked away.
• What will become of the relationships which have changed so dramatically as a result of this experience? Why do I sometimes feel a bit, well – left behind? Note to self – think of all the new and wonderful people in your life, and some of the experiences shared as a result of this diagnosis.
• Taking a break. Would a weekend/week on my own, or longer break for both Paul and I be of benefit? (Nothing like trying to run away..)
• On that – should I/we be seeking some sort of counselling/assistance in helping with the impact of this cancer/adjustment/new life?

Will life ever be the same again?

Guess not huh, but that brings me back to that old saying repeated time and time again by my dear Mum ‘everything happens for a reason’. I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding the reason for this, but am not quite there yet.

Geez we hear that a lot now.

This is a little strange coming from someone who revels in sharing with people, being surrounded by other people – but I admit I’ve felt the need for a bit of ‘me time’ to varying degrees, a fair bit over the past 12 months.

Although my previous life (as in the radio world +very active social scene) was full, there was actually a lot of flying solo. Usually the only other people awake when I went to work at 2.30am were cops, ambos, cabbies and the bakers! I had no contact with anyone for the first couple of hours of my day, before the majority of my work was conducted in a studio with only a few other people and over the phone. I then went home and slept for the remainder of the day!

Being in busy waiting rooms and hospitals, having not just one person but several attend to my medical needs and also being awake for the daylight hours has been quite a turnaround for me!

I’ve read cancer patients say ‘you really get the chance to know yourself when diagnosed with a potentially life threatening illness’, I agree. Perhaps that’s why on occasion I crave an escape, to get to know me – as I am now. (Or maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time laid up I want to get out of the house!) Just me (and maybe Ch’i…), to let my mind sift through some of the challenges I’ve faced lately.

At times I find myself staring into space – thinking a million thoughts. I know meditation is to clear your mind of thoughts, but this is like a busy meditation, time to just think.

Initially I thought these feelings were completely selfish, but am now looking at things in a different way. This is for me to do, no one else can feel like I do about this ‘journey’, so allowing myself that time and space is not selfish in a taking way, but rather a healthy fulfilling way.

Me time.

Yes! Really – just to be feeling a bit more human is a simple pleasure.

I think the main thing is I’m not dealing with constant pain now, just discomfort if I’ve slept in an awkward position or a jabbing/pulling sort of ‘ouch’ if I reach at a bad angle/too high for something.

I’ve had a big week (and yes, there has been the old ‘nanna naps’ most afternoons). Managing almost everything around the house on my own, even wearing a pullover top (!) and…..going for my first drive since the latest surgery.

Basic on some level, but very important.

The driving hasn’t been as much of a challenge this time around, as I’ve only been off the road for a month. I’m really good on the main roads (’cause they’re usually straight!), am negotiating corners without too much drama, but parking (particularly reverse parking – which is usually my preference), requires a lot of effort.

Slowly but surely.

Okay – it might be whale migration season here on the Gold Coast, but I found myself joking with a friend earlier in the week that it’s me feeling like one of those giants of the deep.

Three weeks of eating whenever I’m hungry, lying/sitting around and restricted movement (doing laps of the kitchen & going up & down the stairs doesn’t really count!).

I’m feeling like going for a walk – even doing Tai Chi to take a bit of the edge off, but to be honest just don’t feel overly strong.

So….Baby steps. Walking to the corner and back, then around the block and I’m happy to say this morning I trudged a few km’s before enjoying a long hot shower. Footnote – I then curled up in bed and slept for three hours!!

Guess swimming at the Masters Games later in the year is a rather ambitious goal at this point. Still, even 50mtrs would qualify as taking part! Watch me!!

Geez, I’d love to go for a swim….(must wait at least another fortnight though…)

Now I’ve explained how weird it is not having nipples, here are a few other pointers (I know, I know – dreadful….)

Pros;

• Flimsy bras are just fine, no more T-Shirt style (cover the bits) bras necessary,
• The people making those stick-on ‘nipple covers’ will never make a cent out of me,
• No one will know when I’m cold!!

Cons;

• Sensation is gone, finito, finished (doesn’t seem like much, but a second or two’s thought on exactly how this can impact on some areas of your life is quite telling). There’s nothin’ (except an angry little reminder now & again in the form of a burning hot jab).
• Inability to breast feed,
• That little bump we all try so hard to cover isn’t there, so some outfits don’t fit and in others it’s obvious the bumps aren’t there.

The breast cancer vaccine is great news — for mice – Times Online

Possible vaccine for breast cancer found by Cleveland Clinic doctor