Going back to work this time was just as daunting, but in reality – not quite as scary.
I was nervous about having the stamina to get through a full day (which meant I didn’t sleep well the night before, which in turn made me more tired!), but managed okay. My second day back was a little more difficult physically, so I kept up regular pain relief and had a coffee or two more than I usually do.
Everyone seemed genuinely happy to have me back in the building and was very supportive. Clearly, these colleagues of mine have plenty of experience in dealing with people undergoing treatment for/as a result of cancer.
Day three, I was excited to be really getting back into it. But as I dressed for work, things changed very quickly. Showered, hair and make-up done, I pull on some suit pants only to discover I couldn’t do up the zip. Instantly my eyes filled with tears. No matter how hard I tried they wouldn’t stop. I know I’ve put on weight but not being able to get my pants done up! It was all too much. I went into a spin about what to wear, tried something else, looked in the mirror and howled. I don’t feel like my old self and now I don’t recognise myself.
As I study my reflection, see the tear-stained cheeks, odd-looking chest and extra padding around my middle and legs I feel angry. Then sad. Then annoyed at now potentially being late for work.
Yeah, I’m fine.
So when you hear me say I’ve ‘had a moment’, it’s probably something as silly as this.
Encore Performances 
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