Sleep? Doubt it….

18 Feb
So it’s 2.20am, I’ve been lying awake in bed for I don’t know how long now – thinking of so many things.
 
My conversation with Andrea…The finality of a decision on not doing an egg collection. What this means for me? What it means for Paul. What it means for my Mum. Our relationships. Chemo V no chemo. If a second opinion is that I should have it, do I go for a third to be the decider!  Do I trust my gut to be the umpire? 
 
Of course, I don’t want to do chemo – who would?! But, all along I’ve wondered if it would give me a greater sense of having done absolutely everything traditional medicine can offer, to rid my body of this horrid disease.  The game’s just changed.  Sure – physically – I’d be a wreck, but psychologically – perhaps a little more content?
 
Do I tell Dr D/Andrea/my GP about the following – without sounding terrified it has already spread;
 
My shocking memory (could just be forgetfulness or an early tilt towards Alzeheimers which my dear Grandmother suffered), the headaches (which could easily be linked to my menstural cycle) or the pain I feel in my thighs and hands (thighs could also be related to my cycle, hands has only been in the last 6 months and that, I’ve put down to my sewing – which I’ve not done of late).
 
I’ve told Daniel, Jennifer and Andrea I’m not upset or sad.  I’m not.  But I sure as hell am annoyed.  
I’m also totally at ease with the fact that this is my lot.  
I’m not happy, but do not have the energy to be distraught.  That would be so detrimental to my health on so many levels.  I’m a bit jacked-off, angry, but the time spent on these emotions is very, very minimal.  In fact, writing those words even seems like a waste of time and energy!  
I had one appointment with Daniel where I didn’t smile a lot and told him I felt a bit ‘cranky’ with my body.  Even then, I felt the need to apologise repeatedly about my mood, I didn’t want him to think I was angry with him.  Absolutely not.  How could I be?  

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