I know everything’s about to change. I’ve agreed to this treatment regime that is designed to ‘mop up’ any cancer cells. The sense of dread I feel is so extreme.
Dr Horwood is gentle, but definite in his approach. It’s time.
We’ve been over and over my history and the prospects for my future….He, Dr de Viana and I. This is not a demand or expectation of any one person, a decision made in consultation and agreement following careful consideration of pathology, expert opinion and my wishes. Ultimately, it’s me that has to do this. I do so with strong conviction. I do not ever wan’t to end up in the same situation again.
Paul looks like a deer in the headlights. Can’t look……
We walk across to the Oncology Unit. I don’t introduce myself, but feel completely blank as I’m ushered into a room. I’m absently, vacantly doing as I’m told. I can’t even look at Paul.
All of a sudden, I start heaving and feel on the verge of breaking down. Deni, the nurse, has seen this too many times before. She shuts the door and leaves me to compose myself. I actually CAN NOT BELIEVE I’M HERE. After everything that’s already been done.
Five surgeries, destroying – then rebuilding my body to get rid of the cancer…… It’s come back, go another three times Dr D and now look where I am…..?!
I have an incredibly intense need to RUN as fast as I can as far as I can. I can see the doors to the lift…………
Howling stifled, I just kick my shoes off, lay down and let the nurse get on with what she needs to.
I’ve had the anaesthetic patch on my chest/portacath for an hour. I take a deep breath on command. The needle and pressure still hurts. It punctures my tender skin still healing from surgery. It STINKS – literally!!! The smell is vomit-inducing. Then the cold rush reminds me I’m alive. I’m trying, but can’t begin to explain the feeling of………invasion. I have no control here. I am at the mercy of these drugs. Good thing I have confidence and trust in my doctors.
Encore Performances 
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